I've been thinking alot lately about my ability (or lack thereof!) to hunker down and do something when it's difficult. Not just think about things and how I'd like to do them, but actually stepping out and getting them done. DONE. God's been dealing with my heart about starting with what you have, where you are. I am so much an "all or nothing" type of person. If I can't do it perfectly I just don't wanna. So I get nowhere. Lots of plans, half done projects, piles and stacks of lists and "want to's", and not much to show for it all.
Don't get me wrong... I do get some things done, but it's never as much as I planned and there's a general unfocused mushy feel to it all. Though it is embarrassing and somewhat painful to admit, I quit when it gets hard. I give up. Alot. This may be one reason why I am currently the heaviest I have been in a long time. Ohhh, there are difficult circumstances, but I let those stop me in my tracks and even push me in the opposite direction that I really want to be going!
I will be 40 next summer. Life is so different than what I had dreamed. And I gave up. On love. On relationships. On God. On myself.
I read Jackie Chan's book Crazy Love, and since finishing that book I have been seriously considering my life and my love for God. Would a stranger know I am a Christian? A true Christian? Am I a true Christian? I am wanting to hear from God in this, but truthfully I am afraid to ask. If Jesus walked into my room right now what would He say to me? Would He be smiling, or would He be sorrowful? Or worse yet, would He be angry? Or, would He deny He ever knew me? My heart screams "no!", but even though I am assured I am saved I also realize that sometimes I fall quite short of the radical love He has shown me. I fit Him into my schedule when it suits me, and I don't even make sacrifices to do so.
This is a hard post. I haven't been blogging for awhile because the things I want to write about are sometimes difficult. Knowing anyone can read this makes it even harder to be completely honest and real.... I mean sometimes we judge people without meaning to. Not to mention there are people in our lives who would use information to hurt us or use us. It has been mentioned to me that I could blog with a block on who would be able to access this, and for awhile I thought I might just do that or shut it down. BUT, I want to be open with these things because in my heart I know that someday someone may just stumble onto this mess and through the power of the Holy Spirit, God might be able to use something I am going through to help someone else. And if not, ok. I am being real for me. Selfishly for my growth, for my sanity.
