Day 4

Sooooo tired. Yesterday was nasty. 14 hours plus. Work is banishment. I got home and made some dinner, then went to bed after a HOT bath. My reward for surviving. I am disappointed that I didn't get my 15 min. of exersize in, but I just don't know if I can squeeze it into my work days. 1 down, 2 to go. Should life be like this? After work I just want to eat and sleep. Hard not to grab something on the way home. Can I make this work?

Day 2

Hello again!
I have finished my 15 minutes, this time on the elliptical. I love that machine... set it low and I can feel like I'm flying! woo hoo. Even listened to a few songs on my playlist... this a.m. my favorite was A Little Less Conversation. I imagine Elvis is my pt! Seriously, try it! He's wearing a jumpsuit with the Nike symbol in sequins and he's back to his thinner, healthier version!
Started John Eldridges book Waking the Dead. Awesome. I love his writing and this starting speaking to me as soon as I started. I am praying that God will help me to see more clearly. He is always so faithful and good. Whenever I am really struggling and need help to find my way, God puts books, friends, family, songs, preaching, etc. right in my path where I can't miss it, to deliver His truth. Which, by the way, is a rare and prescious commodity these days.
I've decided to stick with the exercise for now and add the more complicated food plan later. Especially since I am not sure what the plan is! Ha! I thought BFL was low carb, but according to those in the know, it's not. More moderate. Hey way back when I tried it I really liked alot about it, but the planning was pretty intense. 6-7 meals a day! And now I work 3 twelve hour shifts (with driving they are more like 14) in a row and somedays don't eat until 5:00p.m. ! I have no idea at all how to make that work. This week I will pack a sandwitch, and protien shakes. oh yumm. ;o( So I guess until I work this out I will just exercise and write what I eat down.

After finishing Shawna Reid's book The adventures of diet girl, I want to make a list of things I really want to do, but always talk myself out of because of my ampleness.

1. Learn to ride a horse. Always felt too sorry for the poor horse. Had horrible imaginings of what the gorgeous beast would be thinking.
2. Do more hiking, trekking, biking, and exploring. I live in a perfect place for all this, but it all sounded like too much work. I'm tired. Hey, lugging all this weight around is NOT EASY! Wow, what a metaphor for life.
3. Go to a spa for a retreat. I'd have to save up- I checked and they're expensive! I would want a massage, facial, hair done, mani, and pedi. Ahhhhh. Sounds so good. Except for the massage always freaked me out! I can't remember what the tv show was but they had one of the characters getting a massage and the massuese gets a call. He picks up his phone and says "What's up Larry? I'm knee deep in fat here!" That's my nightmare.
4. Wear a gorgeous dress. I would invent an event! I want to be the princess, the belle of the ball. I walk in, heads turn. People whisper..... and it's not because my strap broke this time!
5. Bike the "loops" in northwest Oregon. I think that is where they are. My grandmother did this and told me about it. I thought it sounded like so much fun! You pack your camping gear and I believe they feed you.... it's like a tour. If I do this I'll obviously have to get more details!

That's it for now. I'll probably come up with more!

I didn't post this yesterday, but since this is my "private" space to speak of things I don't want to talk about, here goes.

Weight 242 - fat % 50 - clothing size (varies) 18-22 /2x

The Way Home Print by Tandi Venter at Art.com

The Way Home Print by Tandi Venter at Art.com

It's been along time since I've done this so please forgive the mess and all. I got back from vacation with a desire to start a year long blog re; finding my way. Sounds DEEP, and maybe it is more than I intend for the moment. I guess I'll find out as I go.

The trip was good and it allowed me to really think on some things.

• I don't want to be this weight anymore. I caught a glimpse of myself in the squished little runt of a rental of my Uncle's and I startled myself! I seemed fiercely angry. I wasn't! Not a bit! My facial fat morphs and I am suddenly aware I have no control! This is scary, and frankly quite sad. My oldest niece sometimes gives me a look that says "What did I do?" or maybe "What is your problem?". Now I know why. I just thought she was weird like that.
• I want to do this camping thing more often! Definitely on the learning curve... but I'm learning. So much to see and do!
• I want to make some actual progress toward a new life. This one hasn't gone the way I had hoped! When I was young I would dream about the rancher/farmer who would meet me and fall hopelessly and desperately in love with me. In short order he would realize his life was sad and lonely without me... his one and only. We would marry and I would have boys.... lots of them! Only after my brother had 3 scrumptious girls did I consider that possibility. I just would be my wonderful self and love Jesus and well HE (Jesus) would work the details. It hasn't gone that way. And I'm a liar if I say it alright with me. This summer I found out that at 38 years old I am post-menopausal. yep. grrr. sigh. I am single and living with the folks on the family farm. I think this officially makes me the old spinster auntie. sucks. And to make matters worse, I have gotten angry with God. I mean really!!? What's the big idea anyway? Me and Him go through this... suppose all relationships do. I love God and trust Him,(for the most part!) but this, this , this is so much more than disappointing. I cry whenever I think on it. It's so not fair! There are so many ugly mean and horrid women who have men falling over them. And to top that many women have children that flat out shouldn't! sigh, moving on. This year I will be movin' on.

Back to the weight-I warned you this may be rambling! I made my own swimsuit and it worked wonderfully! However I forgot to bring a change of clothes to the pool and was forced to walk back to the RV to change. I had possibly a 1" clearance in the bathroom and was desperately trying to peel off wet cold spandex with my nose just 1" from the mirror while trying to not disturb the blinds when my Dad knocks on the door I had locked just in case! I squirmed, wiggled and jiggled while he proceeded to rock the RV! Sometime at this point I make a mental note of the sweat popping out on my upper lip, while swearing as God as my witness this will never happen again! Now I am naked and crazed in a hurry to get something on, anything to make him stop! Another lesson relearned dry clothes stick to wet flesh, and good luck trying to hurry that along. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime... jeans were on and a t-shirt. It was a demeaning moment. Frantic and near tears for moments. Nobody would know cuz I hide it well... but I know. And I am tired of these moments! Thinking of doing low carb. But for now (I'm broke after vacation, and next check is spent in catching up!) I will start exercising. I met a man before we left who had lost over half his body weight! The awesome thing was he seemed so laid back about it. I was intrigued! He told me he started with just 10 minutes 3x a week on a recumbant bike in front of the tv and (he stressed this!) NO EXPECTATIONS!! Just do it to feel better. And that led him to continue on and eventually do more, but he in no way became fanatical. I love that! But to be honest I really don't think I could have NO expectations. Oh well. I start today and I already did 15 on the stationary bike. Yay me! Seems far too little. But next year we are going again to Thousand Springs Festival and I will be smaller, more fit and relaxed!