Keep Walking On

Using my backbone?

2010-11-09T10:44:00.002-07:00

I've been thinking alot lately about my ability (or lack thereof!) to hunker down and do something when it's difficult. Not just think about things and how I'd like to do them, but actually stepping out and getting them done. DONE. God's been dealing with my heart about starting with what you have, where you are. I am so much an "all or nothing" type of person. If I can't do it perfectly I just don't wanna. So I get nowhere. Lots of plans, half done projects, piles and stacks of lists and "want to's", and not much to show for it all.

Don't get me wrong... I do get some things done, but it's never as much as I planned and there's a general unfocused mushy feel to it all. Though it is embarrassing and somewhat painful to admit, I quit when it gets hard. I give up. Alot. This may be one reason why I am currently the heaviest I have been in a long time. Ohhh, there are difficult circumstances, but I let those stop me in my tracks and even push me in the opposite direction that I really want to be going!

I will be 40 next summer. Life is so different than what I had dreamed. And I gave up. On love. On relationships. On God. On myself.

I read Jackie Chan's book Crazy Love, and since finishing that book I have been seriously considering my life and my love for God. Would a stranger know I am a Christian? A true Christian? Am I a true Christian? I am wanting to hear from God in this, but truthfully I am afraid to ask. If Jesus walked into my room right now what would He say to me? Would He be smiling, or would He be sorrowful? Or worse yet, would He be angry? Or, would He deny He ever knew me? My heart screams "no!", but even though I am assured I am saved I also realize that sometimes I fall quite short of the radical love He has shown me. I fit Him into my schedule when it suits me, and I don't even make sacrifices to do so.

This is a hard post. I haven't been blogging for awhile because the things I want to write about are sometimes difficult. Knowing anyone can read this makes it even harder to be completely honest and real.... I mean sometimes we judge people without meaning to. Not to mention there are people in our lives who would use information to hurt us or use us. It has been mentioned to me that I could blog with a block on who would be able to access this, and for awhile I thought I might just do that or shut it down. BUT, I want to be open with these things because in my heart I know that someday someone may just stumble onto this mess and through the power of the Holy Spirit, God might be able to use something I am going through to help someone else. And if not, ok. I am being real for me. Selfishly for my growth, for my sanity.

Fall is here!

2010-10-05T11:15:00.002-06:00

This is always my favorite time of year!! It's cozy and the colors are amazing! There is a definite chill today and with the recent rains it smells like wet leaves. I am so tempted to build a fire in the fireplace and make some hot apple cider with caramel! Oooooooooo, with heavy cream too. Nummy.... hmmmm. slurp.

The most romantic way to say it ... autumnal equinox. How loverly is that?

I am planning next week's projects today and relaxing, reading and sketching ideas for sewing. It is the perfect day to wear cushy socks and curl up in a comfy chair.

So far nothing in this post is gonna help me toward my goals here! Nummy things to eat, laying around and veggin'! Mental activity doesn't burn many calories. So before I do those things I will ride my bike for 15 minutes and I think today I will put on a sweater and go outside to do it! That does sound fun actually!

Dad came up with an idea for keeping me going through work I think I'll try. He suggested I chop a couple apples into bite size pieces and put them in a container to chomp on through the day. I like it. Also gonna take some cheese sticks and protien shake. And maybe for the following week I'll go get some buffalo pepperoni sticks and cut them into bite size snacks too!

I am trying to imagine what I would like my life to be like in a year from now.

Physically- lose at least 50 pounds. At less than 1 pound a week this is very doable.

- stronger. more graceful. lithe... my face is squinching with that last word! I believe it is possible and worth fighting for! I want to be more at ease with my body.

Mentally- I want to learn certain computer programs.

- Want to hone my skills in writing, sewing, and knowledge of God's Word.

- learn spanish?

- Understand and utilize my finances better.

Spiritually- This is the biggest area to me. I want to be more constant in my faith. I want to recognize the devil's lies for what they are more quickly and be fast to fight them with the Word of God , and the strength of my testimony. I want to resist that horny ol' toad and tell him to beat it. When I come to obstacles I want to turn to God first and always for direction. I want to obey more often and more quickly. I want growth like I've never known before today. I want to be closer to God's heart. I want to know Him better and more intimately than ever before. I could keep on but basicly, I want more, more, more and always more of my Jesus. MORE.

Well, time to start!!

Hope renewed!!

2010-10-04T21:49:00.004-06:00

After a soul trying week at work I felt doubt about everything.... I mean everything! Will I ever be able to get my dreams off the ground? Will everything I hope for be just out of reach? Am I ever going to be able to get this weight off? Hope had vanished, depression shadowed me, and I was dogged by lies.

I am reading a book by John Eldredge that is speaking to me at so many different levels. The book is Waking the Dead; The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive. Girl, that is what I'm after! To quote; "Things are not what they seem. This is a world at war. Each of us has a crucial role to play." I'm not sure what God is planning , or what I will be learning but I KNOW that HE is at work!! The sermon by a guest pastor this past Sunday pointed out that as the chosen of God we are unstoppable. I sure didn't feel unstoppable. More like stuck. Useless. Hopeless. But I am so glad to say that I am hungry for Jesus! HUNGRY! I need me some more Jesus! Please show me who I am to you Lord. What am I to you? Show me what you see.... open these eyes blinded by discouragement, doubt, fear and looking to all the wrong things! God show me what I need to do to please you... I want to know I make you smile. Help me to hold strong to the faith that strengthens my step. Hold me hand and lead me on. I want to focus on your voice this week. When the devil steps in and tells me it's all just no use, I want to tune my ear to you and find my joy and strength in what You say about me and my life. My soul cries out to you to fill every void.

I was discouraged about my weight and unsure I could do anything about it as long as I am working where I am. A wonderful lady I love at church encouraged me on Sunday and now I can say I may not be able to do it all the way I'd like but I can do what I can and pray God will handle what I can't. He is fully able where I am not.

I was low about what seems like being stuck where I am. God will order my steps if I am righteous. Am I righteous? I am covered by Jesus righteousness.... so yes, because of Him I am righteous. Not of myself I could never be righteous enough but because of His sacrifice on the cross, His glorious resurection I am risen to new life. When God sees me, He doesn't see my extreme lack but Jesus clothed me with His righteousness. I know this seems impossible... but it's all there and it means that my steps are ordered of the Lord. I will trust Him.

My family spoke encouragement to me tonight. Words of love and power spoke over withered hurting me. It took hold. Hope renewed. The fight is back in me!

End of week 1- 242 pounds 49% bodyfat

Day 4

2010-09-30T05:36:00.002-06:00

Sooooo tired. Yesterday was nasty. 14 hours plus. Work is banishment. I got home and made some dinner, then went to bed after a HOT bath. My reward for surviving. I am disappointed that I didn't get my 15 min. of exersize in, but I just don't know if I can squeeze it into my work days. 1 down, 2 to go. Should life be like this? After work I just want to eat and sleep. Hard not to grab something on the way home. Can I make this work?

Day 2

2010-09-28T09:48:00.002-06:00

Hello again!
I have finished my 15 minutes, this time on the elliptical. I love that machine... set it low and I can feel like I'm flying! woo hoo. Even listened to a few songs on my playlist... this a.m. my favorite was A Little Less Conversation. I imagine Elvis is my pt! Seriously, try it! He's wearing a jumpsuit with the Nike symbol in sequins and he's back to his thinner, healthier version!
Started John Eldridges book Waking the Dead. Awesome. I love his writing and this starting speaking to me as soon as I started. I am praying that God will help me to see more clearly. He is always so faithful and good. Whenever I am really struggling and need help to find my way, God puts books, friends, family, songs, preaching, etc. right in my path where I can't miss it, to deliver His truth. Which, by the way, is a rare and prescious commodity these days.
I've decided to stick with the exercise for now and add the more complicated food plan later. Especially since I am not sure what the plan is! Ha! I thought BFL was low carb, but according to those in the know, it's not. More moderate. Hey way back when I tried it I really liked alot about it, but the planning was pretty intense. 6-7 meals a day! And now I work 3 twelve hour shifts (with driving they are more like 14) in a row and somedays don't eat until 5:00p.m. ! I have no idea at all how to make that work. This week I will pack a sandwitch, and protien shakes. oh yumm. ;o( So I guess until I work this out I will just exercise and write what I eat down.

After finishing Shawna Reid's book The adventures of diet girl, I want to make a list of things I really want to do, but always talk myself out of because of my ampleness.

Learn to ride a horse. Always felt too sorry for the poor horse. Had horrible imaginings of what the gorgeous beast would be thinking.
Do more hiking, trekking, biking, and exploring. I live in a perfect place for all this, but it all sounded like too much work. I'm tired. Hey, lugging all this weight around is NOT EASY! Wow, what a metaphor for life.
Go to a spa for a retreat. I'd have to save up- I checked and they're expensive! I would want a massage, facial, hair done, mani, and pedi. Ahhhhh. Sounds so good. Except for the massage always freaked me out! I can't remember what the tv show was but they had one of the characters getting a massage and the massuese gets a call. He picks up his phone and says "What's up Larry? I'm knee deep in fat here!" That's my nightmare.
Wear a gorgeous dress. I would invent an event! I want to be the princess, the belle of the ball. I walk in, heads turn. People whisper..... and it's not because my strap broke this time!
Bike the "loops" in northwest Oregon. I think that is where they are. My grandmother did this and told me about it. I thought it sounded like so much fun! You pack your camping gear and I believe they feed you.... it's like a tour. If I do this I'll obviously have to get more details!

That's it for now. I'll probably come up with more!

I didn't post this yesterday, but since this is my "private" space to speak of things I don't want to talk about, here goes.

Weight 242 - fat % 50 - clothing size (varies) 18-22 /2x

The Way Home Print by Tandi Venter at Art.com

2010-09-27T10:37:00.003-06:00

The Way Home Print by Tandi Venter at Art.com

It's been along time since I've done this so please forgive the mess and all. I got back from vacation with a desire to start a year long blog re; finding my way. Sounds DEEP, and maybe it is more than I intend for the moment. I guess I'll find out as I go.

The trip was good and it allowed me to really think on some things.

I don't want to be this weight anymore. I caught a glimpse of myself in the squished little runt of a rental of my Uncle's and I startled myself! I seemed fiercely angry. I wasn't! Not a bit! My facial fat morphs and I am suddenly aware I have no control! This is scary, and frankly quite sad. My oldest niece sometimes gives me a look that says "What did I do?" or maybe "What is your problem?". Now I know why. I just thought she was weird like that.
I want to do this camping thing more often! Definitely on the learning curve... but I'm learning. So much to see and do!
I want to make some actual progress toward a new life. This one hasn't gone the way I had hoped! When I was young I would dream about the rancher/farmer who would meet me and fall hopelessly and desperately in love with me. In short order he would realize his life was sad and lonely without me... his one and only. We would marry and I would have boys.... lots of them! Only after my brother had 3 scrumptious girls did I consider that possibility. I just would be my wonderful self and love Jesus and well HE (Jesus) would work the details. It hasn't gone that way. And I'm a liar if I say it alright with me. This summer I found out that at 38 years old I am post-menopausal. yep. grrr. sigh. I am single and living with the folks on the family farm. I think this officially makes me the old spinster auntie. sucks. And to make matters worse, I have gotten angry with God. I mean really!!? What's the big idea anyway? Me and Him go through this... suppose all relationships do. I love God and trust Him,(for the most part!) but this, this , this is so much more than disappointing. I cry whenever I think on it. It's so not fair! There are so many ugly mean and horrid women who have men falling over them. And to top that many women have children that flat out shouldn't! sigh, moving on. This year I will be movin' on.

Back to the weight-I warned you this may be rambling! I made my own swimsuit and it worked wonderfully! However I forgot to bring a change of clothes to the pool and was forced to walk back to the RV to change. I had possibly a 1" clearance in the bathroom and was desperately trying to peel off wet cold spandex with my nose just 1" from the mirror while trying to not disturb the blinds when my Dad knocks on the door I had locked just in case! I squirmed, wiggled and jiggled while he proceeded to rock the RV! Sometime at this point I make a mental note of the sweat popping out on my upper lip, while swearing as God as my witness this will never happen again! Now I am naked and crazed in a hurry to get something on, anything to make him stop! Another lesson relearned dry clothes stick to wet flesh, and good luck trying to hurry that along. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime... jeans were on and a t-shirt. It was a demeaning moment. Frantic and near tears for moments. Nobody would know cuz I hide it well... but I know. And I am tired of these moments! Thinking of doing low carb. But for now (I'm broke after vacation, and next check is spent in catching up!) I will start exercising. I met a man before we left who had lost over half his body weight! The awesome thing was he seemed so laid back about it. I was intrigued! He told me he started with just 10 minutes 3x a week on a recumbant bike in front of the tv and (he stressed this!) NO EXPECTATIONS!! Just do it to feel better. And that led him to continue on and eventually do more, but he in no way became fanatical. I love that! But to be honest I really don't think I could have NO expectations. Oh well. I start today and I already did 15 on the stationary bike. Yay me! Seems far too little. But next year we are going again to Thousand Springs Festival and I will be smaller, more fit and relaxed!

Into the "dog daze" of summer..

2009-07-22T09:10:00.009-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8l9qtNxqbng

That should perk ya up!! I can't help it ... just gotta smile and move a little there! Idaho heat is dry but it's still HOT! Going into a 100 degree span for awhile and anything to get the energy up is welcome!!

Friday and Saturday was my 20th high school reunion. I missed the dinner... can't change that but I still feel bad. It looked like a lot of fun from the pictures I got to see! I graduated with 9 wonderful people who have genuinely grown more wonderful with the passing years. I love them all, and could easily recall what endeared them to me in high school. If any of you are reading this... YOU ARE AWESOME!

Went visiting to Centerpointe Church to hear my friend Tonia's hubby ,Ted Pagel, preach that mornin'. God had it all lined up for me.... I had been really thinking hard about how time doesn't just pass quickly, it's like a superjet with ultra turbo power! And then, whoosh, poof, it's gone. Pastor Ted had a great message on just that. Don't waste this life, this gift of grace, this present. I often struggle with worry, stress, fear, and to top it all off.... I tend to overthink stuff. I made a new commitment to let go and let GOD. He can handle it, I'll just do my best and be grateful for all my many blessings!

Attitude of Gratitude

1- Modern day conveniences

I love to imagine the "simpler times". Women made the home and men made the money. Homemade icecream after a day of berry pickin'. Sunshine, shade and lemonade. But truthfully I'm grateful for these days in so many ways. The field above would have been a loss for the farmer if it weren't for modern day threshers that can lift the stalk and get all the grain possible. Air conditioning, electric stoves, digital cameras and computers.... God has blessings in every generation!

2-smell of freshly mown grass

3-smell of water on the corn

4- hot mown hay

5-honeybees

God bless our honeybees!

6-the abundance of summertime

7-a moment to reflect

8-God's tender mercies that are truly new each morning

9-kids

10-good friends!

Canning Apricots!!

Aren't they gorgeous? Perfectly tree ripened and begging for some action!

Into the canner and after some time and effort.....

26 quarts of home grown goodness! Delish!

Other summertime fun...

Harvesting the first round of beets and greens. That's my momma.... ain't she sweet?

Ollie and Opals little family! There are 3 babies in this picture... can ya see em?Doesn't Ollie look so proud? Opal looks tired. Even with animals some things are always predictable!!

I really enjoyed this "visit"! Thanks for dropping by!!

My prayer is that God will give you something just for you today, just to let you know how very special you are to Him... Watch for it... He's good!!

PS... Next post is for Phil! I'm having you all over for "dinner" with recipes, pics that will leave you droolin'! Don't forget your napkin!!

Goings On

2009-06-17T15:05:00.008-06:00

Hello there! Looking out at a pretty rainy day this morning, but the sun made a real showing this afternoon! All in all I'd say a fine day!

I'm not sure whether to call this picture "Ollie; Our guard turkey!" or "Look who's come for dinner!". Seriously though, what if you were the UPS man? Do they keep turkey treats in their vans? Most days we absolutely couldn't possibly consider putting Ollie on a platter..... notice I said most days.

Our cherry tree earlier this spring.... and now!

I want to can pie filling, find some salad recipes to try, and try my hand at drying some of these beauties! I need to get a dehydrator quick though cuz these babies won't be waiting long! We are in a race the days they ripen to get as much as we want before the birds! They don't seem to realize they can have all they want above 7 feet and the rest are ours! Birdbrains.

I visited one of my favorites blogs ever.... besides Faith Acre Farm... it always lifts my spirits! It's called Sugar Pie Farmhouse! Visit it if you have time, you won't regret the time you spend there!! You'll leave smiling I promise!!
I really love the music! I want a soundtrack like that but I'm a long ways .... I still need to figure how to add links! LOL! Hey it's my journey and I haven't reached that point yet!

I have come to a weighty decision the past few days. (pun intended, and no apologies for it!) I had been planning to join EHarmony next month but after viewing some pictures and getting really real about how I felt, well, now is not the time. When I looked at those pictures I felt betrayed. Like that just isn't who I am. Don't get me wrong... I don't attach my selfworth to this, but I do want to represent myself in a way that I feel is true. It didn't seem right somehow. I can't explain it much better than that I guess. So with prayerful consideration I am going to try to match the inside of me to the outside of me. My plan for the next month is as follows;
Mondays; 30 min. aerobic exersize
Tuesdays; yoga
Wednesdays; 30 min. aerobic exersize
Thursdays; squats, leg lifts, crunches, superman
Fridays; 30 min. aerobic exersize
Saturdays; bicep/tricep curls, rows, chest press, pushups
Sundays; rest!/ anything goes!
The diet portion of the plan will consist of trying to eat only when I'm hungry and writing it all down.
*IF* I can do this consistently for a full month, I will reward myself by painting my bedroom/bathroom! Next month I will change this up a bit... I want to leave the option to change it up at anytime if it just doesn't seem to fit! Dad, Mom and myself have made Sunday mornings our weighin day. That works for all of us, so that won't change. I will post more as time goes by. I just might get more organized too, but don't hold your breath, and I won't either!!

Hope God blesses you richly in any way you'll allow Him! He loves you outrageously you know.

Family June Birthdays!

2009-06-16T21:19:00.006-06:00

I love this girl!!! This is my niece Emarie- isn't she awesome? We both have birthdays in June and this year we all took a day trip to go on a picnic, eat a homemade ice cream cake, and just flat out enjoy life!This is a shot of a beautiful stream we came across during our explorations!
Tara (my sister in law... but I just call her my sister! My heart says its true!) made the red and cream shopping bag for me in this picture... isn't it a beaut! Love it, and what's even greater is I know it was made with love for me. What an honor for my 38th birthday! It was a great day!

Monday, Monday... So good to me!

2009-06-16T21:02:00.003-06:00

So Mondays have become my "freezer cooking" days for the following week. We cook, chop, and prepare as much as we can for the week ahead. Sometimes it takes all day, other days just the morning hours, but no matter how much time we spend that day, it saves hours the rest of the week! I love it!! And after we're done.... what a feeling of accomplishment! This week we made a salad for the week (to be replenished as needed) , meatballs, spaghetti sauce, apple betty, honey-glazed carrots, taco meat for nachos, and enchilada casserole! TA DA!
When mom and I milked cows we did this on a bigger scale for three months ahead, but this works much better for us now. Wisdom is knowing a good idea when you see it and adapting it to fit your lifestyle! We also do things to consolidate, and make things easier when we can. Things like grating cheese and freezing it for example can cut your prep time a great deal. Try it, you might love the time it allows you for other things!

Cooler weather!

2008-08-26T11:44:00.000-06:00

Last night a cold front moved into our area and wow, what a difference! The seasons moving into autumn always seem to refresh me. Thoughts turn to home and hearth, colors deepen and brighten, and the scents are warm and comforting. I love to look at a golden field waving in the wind against a bright blue sky. This is just a taste for today. Tomorrow will bring warmer temps and I will remember that summer has not ended, but for today I will dream and enjoy!

Washed the dog this morning and hung two loads of laundry to dry. There isn't a long list awaiting my attention today so I have decided to just have some fun! What's fun for me? Well..... today I really would like to go through my closet and get rid of what is just hanging there with nothing to do! You know, those clothes we hang onto just in case! Just in case I lose lots of weight, just in case that's all that fits, just in case I ever have anything to match..... just in case! I'm also in the mood for some spice cookies! nummy!

Tomorrow I am going to my aunt's house to help her with things that have been nagging at her and she doesn't have time to get done. She is a very busy lady! To add to the blessings I will be getting paid! This is such a great thing because all my money will be going toward getting my truck's transmission fixed for the next four months (and that is another way God is taking care of me.. my brother is going to fix it and his family has graciously allowed me the use of their minivan until it is fixed! God is awesome and I thank Him continuously for my family!) and I need Christmas & birthday gifts, clothes, shoes and bedding for the next season! Thursday and Friday will be workdays and Saturday I have off to go to a Bluegrass Festival in the mountains! I need a day off work so I am excited about this!! Next week I will playing here some more!! Until then I hope whoever stops by enjoys themselves!!

Just getting started...

2008-08-25T17:01:00.000-06:00

Blogging can be so much fun! I can hardly wait to get this all set up and going! I am a novice so it might take some time to get this all how I want it to look and run! Ah well , such is life! Here goes my first post on my new blog!

I live in rural southwest Idaho with my parents on their 160 acre farm. We divide the land to rent some out to crops, some we raise replacement heifers for our dairy, and the rest we live, love and have lots of fun on!! The dairy is located south of our place on my father's partners place. I'll be blogging about the dairy later! One thing at a time- seriously it's all I can handle! LOL! So we have cows, turkies, geese, chickens, dogs and cats. On occasion we raise a few pigs or sheep for fun and meat. My brother and his family have recently moved in with us until they can afford to move onto the 3 acres my parents have given them. We are a full house for sure but we love each other and try to make it work! God has blessed us all beyond words. Sooooo moving on I'll make a few introductions.... these beautiful girls are two of our Talouse geese. They each have names but honestly in this picture I'm not sure who's who! The gander is George, and the girls (the two in this picture are female!) are Ginger, Gloria and Georgia. We have about 23 Bourbon Red turkies that live free range on the place. They have oodles of personality!

A few of our sweet babies..... I love our girls! These are Holstein Freisens. We do often times have a few steer blackface crossed with Holstein for beef. I don't see any here though. Dandy the Rooster and one of the original four chickens... Beula, Ola and Sweet. Independence is my favorite and this isn't her..... she is fat and fiesty, and always doing her own thing! Withing the last month she hatched 10 new baby chicks. Seven have survived so far... there are a lot of predators out for a tasty snack.
And finally the view out our back yard! Home sweet home! None too shabby to be sure!
Well I hope you've enjoyed this visit! I need to get started on dinner: hamburgers, corn on the cob, watermelon and rhubarb/strawberry crunch for dessert! We have a cold front moving in and the wind is howling out the window! Come back again!